


Soundless Heart

by SirCakesALot



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Cas is lied to, Deaf, Dean lies about health, Depression, Fluff, Lies, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 09:32:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6046657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SirCakesALot/pseuds/SirCakesALot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel moves from his pain, his heart break. He moves straight to the source. Meeting his old spark and the source of his heartbreak, he also meets someone who captures his interest. His new neighbour Dean. But Dean is hiding something.</p>
<p>Dean is almost fully deaf. His hearing was stolen by his father, leaving only frustration. Scared to love for fear of rejection, Castiel pushes those boundaries.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everyone is human.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally intended for a different Fandom, but I changed it. So whatever.

Love is impure, riddled with malice and secrets. It is a flame that does not have a purpose burning. Gripping my transfer files, I knew it was for the best. Many would claim that I was being cowardly running from this town, but I couldn't stand the sights anymore. It tore me apart with how I was not good enough. I was naive. That was all I was, all I could have been. A naive and lost child, willing to love anyone who would give me the time of day. Allowing myself to grow close to toxic people. Allowing myself to be destroyed by people.

 

A broken heart changes your perspective. This town, the town once so full of my dreams was depleted, greying with each passing moment. People grew shallow, morphing into what they had always been. A broken heart made me tired. Tired of my home town, tired of all it used to offer. My heart ached from a dull pain while my mind tore itself apart. I had to leave the pain. The greying landscape stirred awake nothing, only the chasms of loneliness. I shouldn't have fallen for her.

 

Thoughts of our future gave me agony. I had pictured the perfect future with her. A future spent hand in hand, stealing kisses whenever we could. Picturesque landscapes leading to our little house on a hill, children of our own running rampant. That dream had caught fire. The beautiful house was burnt leaving only foundations.

 

I know better now. I had to keep my hopes small. It hurt too much to have them torn down, but I couldn't help it. I still want it all. I want the hidden cabin, picture frames lacing the walls, a fire place to keep us warm, a candle lit bedroom. No matter how hard I tried not to fall back to the memory of a dream, it still haunted my heartbroken slumber.

 

It was all my mistake.

 

Our lives didn't work together. We couldn't bend to each other, we couldn't sort through our differences. Our ambitions differed, our studies clashed. But oh how I still want it all. I still remember our secret meetings, the picnics entirely under moonlight, the concealed laughter, the sheer joy. Now all I experience are long nights and tear stained cheeks as I watch her share these moments with another. As she laughs with another, hold hands with another.

 

While my plans burned, hers flourished.

 

Not matter how hard I tried, I wasn't over her. I had to give myself time. I needed to replace everything I had given away.

 

How come she could smile so easily?

 

Everything was shattering and it was my fault. I shouldn't have fallen for her. Sure I still smiled, but I only smiled reminiscing what was. I only smiled when trapped in the faded memory of us. When I think of counting airplanes with her, drinking Pepsi and holding each other out of fear of loneliness, I smile. We were two broken souls desperately trying to mend ourselves using each other. I guess she succeeded.

 

I had to run away from my town. It was too painful staying.

 

Besides, a change could be good. I have sat and watched the years pass me by for too long. My insecurities can wait, I have to start again. I have tried to start again, but without knowing the flaw in my last relationship, how can I? I thought everything was perfect, I thought I was perfect for her. I have never been so wrong. Shaking my head, I needed to focus on the task ahead. Fixing my suit, I took a deep breath. Every law firm is the same, should be the same. Pushing open the doors, the new world erupted before me. 

 

Almost instantly someone with a disapproving scowl appeared before me. She quickly took in my appearance and a small smile graced her face. A look of attempted seduction. Wincing away, she clasped her hands, fake nails gleaming.

 

"How can I help you sir?" She asked, almost purring.

 

"I am here to see Crowley." I told her, trying to obtain a tone of authority. 

 

I wanted to tell her that I was damaged goods, that she should aim for someone better, but that could sound offensive. My filter was horrible now anyway.

 

"Right this way sir." She smiled, turning abruptly and walked off loudly.

 

The sound of her heels clicking on white tile resonated in my skull, instilling fear. Why was I so nervous? I had high recommendations from a leading firm, great contacts and a high IQ. They had already accepted me. There was no need to be anxious. Stress was an unnecessary burden, but I carried it nonetheless. 

 

The assistant led me to a room, which she hastily stopped outside of. Her long black hair whipped around her frail frame as she smiled up at me.

 

"This is Crowley's office. He can see you right away."

 

Walking past her, I opened the plain door hoping to make a good impression. Entering a strangely grand office, a  man sat behind a large desk. His black hair was short, kept down with ease unlike my own.. The man, Crowley, stood the instant he saw me. The female assistant pulled the door closed, leaving me and this man in peace.

 

"Ah, you must be Castiel Novak. Sit sit." He ushered to a chair in front of his desk which I gladly took. "I trust you travelled well."

 

"Yes I did Sir. I am still glad you accepted the transfer." I spoke formally and the man laughed.

 

"You are going to be one of my leading men. Drop the formalities and call me Crowley." The man smiled, easing my nerves considerably. 

 

"Thank you Crowley." I grinned back, easing into my chair.

 

"Well, we do have things to discuss such as where your personal office will be located, when you shall start work and your living arrangements." Crowley reached for a notebook and panic seared at my heart.

 

"Living arrangements? You are organizing it?"

 

"Yes Castiel, I am. I want one of the most prominent members in my firm to be in decent accommodation until you can pick yourself up." He spoke sternly, expressing authority over the topic. I had to back down.

 

"Okay sir. Where is my office located and when do I start work?" I asked, leaning forward.

 

"Your office is on this floor, but on the opposite side to me. In that section there are three offices. Yours is the last door. You start work in three days' time." He told me and I nodded. "Your address is here. Move your bags from whatever place you have left them and become adjusted to the city. A lawyer who does not understand the people will fail at defending them."

 

That signaled the end of discussion, which I gladly took. Standing from my chair, I bowed before taking my leave. Leaving the room, I felt lost instantaneously. Wandering into the main section of this floor, I glanced at the piece of paper in my hands.  Crowley had neat writing, precise. Taking in the varied letters and numbers, I felt somewhat at peace. I am sure I passed that building complex on the way here from the hotel. So it is closer to work that where I would have stayed for a few weeks.

 

Looking up, I narrowly avoided colliding with a familiar figure. Meg. The woman who broke my heart and left. This…this is not good. My emotions began to burn. Pure undaunted passion ached to be returned, clouding my judgment. I had not had enough time. Two years and I was still bent for this woman. She stared openly at me, taking in my form. How long had I wanted for her to stare at me again with love seared in her gaze?

 

"Castiel?" She questioned, leaning in, instantly breaking whatever spell had been cast over me.

 

"Yes. Hello Meg." I said briskly and formally.

 

She works here? How? Why? Trying to contain my emotions at seeing her again, I kept the smile casual. If she knew I still carried a flame for her, what would become of me? 

 

"Don't be so formal. We are friends." She grinned, taking a step forward.

 

The simple use of the word friend hurt. Despite her mangling my heart beyond recognition, we were just friends. Her words tore me down to reality, and I had to get away. 

 

"I have to go. Sorry."

 

I fled. Shamefully enough, I ran away again. Finding the elevator, I hit it for the bottom floor, wanting to leave desperately. She was here. The woman I was not good enough for. Exiting the firm with record speed, I hailed a taxi. 

 

Giving directions for the hotel room I booked, I quickly fetched my measly suitcase, apologized to the man behind the hotel administration desk for leaving so soon, and hailed another taxi. Reading out the address scrawled on the paper, I began to tap out a nervous beat. Despite my best efforts, my mind wandered to Meg. 

 

We dated two years ago. I was in love, but she was not. Out of nowhere, she had dumped me with no explanation. She wouldn't answer my calls and just vanished. I still have no idea as to what I did wrong to end our three year relationship. That is what hurts the most. The lack of an explanation. What had I done so wrong? I need to know. I need to know so I never make the same mistake again. What was so wrong with me that made her break up with abruptly?

 

The driver pulled up in front of a decent building. I had seen this building earlier, so now my journey to work will be much quicker. Paying the driver, I sighed. Grabbing my suitcase and clutching the paper, I went inside. The building was desolate, not a soul in sight. Good. Climbing up two flights of stairs, I regretted my choice to not use the elevator. Walking along the hall, I found roughly where my new home should be. Standing outside the door supposed to be mine, I punched in the code written on the piece of paper.

 

The door unlocked. So it is mine. Pushing it open shyly, darkness greeted me. Stepping in, I fumbled for a light switch. Eventually I found it, snapping on the light.

 

A small sized apartment was presented to me. Closing my door, I took my suitcase to the small lounge room. Taking a quick look around, it was obvious just how small the apartment was. A small bedroom, a small bathroom, a small kitchen. Dropping onto the floor next to my suitcase, I sighed. 

 

This was not a good move. I had a great home, amazing friends and a supportive family but I ran from reminders straight to the source. It was times like this that I hated life. Loathed it. The world did not want me to find happiness. 

 

An obnoxious knock startled me. Great. Heaving to me feet, I trudged to the door. Opening it, I was greeted by the brightest smile I had ever seen. A man stood there, oozing happiness. He looked young, a couple years younger than me but he was slightly taller than me. His dark brown hair was cut short, with faint hues of natural blond. Green eyes stared at me as his smile turned to a smirk. The younger man wore a leather jacket the looked considerable faded and well worn, and despite his cheery aura, he appeared to be the bad boy type.

 

"You are the new neighbour. Hey." His voice was deeper than I had imagined, the smile fading.

 

The voice coming from this boy matched his looks, and so did lingering anger and sadness trapped within his eyes. The only thing that clashed was his smile. Standing tall, I refused to let a stranger speak casually to me. I was clearly older, so he should have attempted to show me more respect. 

 

"My name is Castiel. Who are you?" I spoke mockingly casual, but he took no notice, bursting into my apartment uninvited. 

 

"My name is Dean. I live right next door." He said loudly, louder than necessary. Something told me this boy would always be loud.

 

"Ah, okay."

 

"I am studying at University, but it is hard. Hey, you are new. We should hang out." He turned to me, smiling genuinely as he ravaged my kitchen.

 

"That would be good." I ended up saying, since I did not know the town nor did I have any friends. Also, I found it hard to reject his enthusiastic offer.

 

"You have no food." He stated, slamming a cupboard shut. "I am too hungry for this. I'll be back with something to eat."

 

And like that, he stormed past me and left. 

 

Strange. Taking my suitcase to my small room, I then returned to the lounge room to make it somewhat presentable. Fixing up two seats, I felt doubt nag at my mind. Dean was not coming back, why would he? There was something wrong with me. Collapsing on one of the chairs, grief overcame me. I hate this. A stranger burst in, went through my stuff and left. I should be glad, but I only felt  lonely. I wanted Dean to come back, to keep me company, but he wouldn't. I wasn't worth it.

 

Another obnoxious knock startled me. Dean? Walking back to the door, I cast it open to see Dean struggling with a surplus of food packages. He grinned, stepping past again awkwardly. He actually came back? Closing the door, I followed him to the lounge room, trying to hide my surprise by his actions. He dropped his stash before sitting where I previously was, looking at home with a lollipop already in his mouth. Sitting across from him, he tore open another packet greedily. How was he going to eat chips and a lollipop at the same time?

 

"Tell me about why you moved Castiel." He stated before he held his lollipop and ate a chip.

 

Freezing up, I wasn't aware of how to tackle the question. Dean stared at me with a blank expression, and it almost compelled me to talk. Almost.

 

"That is personal, really. I barely know you, so I cannot just reveal everything. But I can tell you I moved for work reasons. I am a lawyer." I told him as he nodded slowly, almost like he wasn't processing all my words.

 

"We all have our secrets." He commented, breezing over my job. 

 

He ate another chip before returning the lollipop back to his mouth.

 

"What about you?" I asked and his blank expression flickered to pain before being replaced with a smile.

 

"I moved here six months ago for University. This University offered something I needed." He nodded along with his story. "And I had to move. Do you get that?"

 

"Yeah, I do. But it never works out for me." I told him, finally enjoying the fact that someone was actually willing to listen to me. To listen to my problems.

 

"Why doesn't it work?" He asked, popping the lollipop out of his mouth. 

 

"Fate hates me." Was my simple explanation, but it was true. Dean nodded knowingly.

 

"I understand that. Fate must hate me as well." He smiled broadly, making me doubt his entire statement. "And why are you not eating. Do you not like these? I can get something better."

 

Dean stood, not waiting for my response so the only thing I could do was grab his arm. The way he flinched shocked me, but Dean did stop. 

 

"Ah, it is fine. Just, please stay. I don't want to be alone."

 

To prove my point, I grabbed a chip and ate it. The salt instantly hit  me, making me crave more. salt is addictive. 

 

"I want to be a doctor." Dean stated, sitting down. "But I can't."

 

"Why not?" I asked and he smiled.

 

"We all have our secrets." He grinned, putting the lollipop back in his mouth before leaning forward. 

 

His presence within my personal space did not disgust me like that assistant earlier. Was it because he was also male, or was it because he was not attempting to seduce me? The way he rolled the lollipop into his cheek was seductive enough though.

 

"But I can tell you I am going to be an engineer. Electrical engineer." He told me and I was actually surprised.

 

He did not look smart enough for such a heavy subject entirely focused on math. But he could be smart. Nothing about him seemed set in stone.

 

"That is actually great. I became a lawyer because that is what…" That is what Meg wanted me to do. I could have become a doctor if I had wanted, but I was so blinded by love, I moved to Meg's every whim. 

 

"Family?" Dean asked, his face suddenly an image of pain.

 

"No, ex-girlfriend." I told him. I actually confessed my real reasoning to someone.

 

"Is this ex the reason why fate hates you?"

 

Staring at Dean as he focused in on my every word, I started to doubt myself. Maybe fate didn't hate me? I already had a great friend, if I can call Dean that. Someone who listened. But to keep continuity with my story, I had to go off what I was feeling before I met him.

 

"Yes, she is. The worst part is, I still do not know why she broke up with me. And now we are working in the same law firm." 

 

"At least you have no physical damage from your past problems." He said smiling, his strange attempt to cheer me up. "If you feel down, don't forget the sun."

 

"I don't understand."

 

He ignored my words entirely, pulling out his phone. "You have to meet my friends. This is my brother."

 

His voice was loud again as he held his phone up. A picture of him smiling with someone I didn't know was shoved in my face.  He swiped across, and the long haired boy was replaced by another smiling face.

 

"This is my closest friend. He knows everything and I mean everything about me. You would like him."

 

Something ached. My friends back home were not this close, and I wanted the same kind of happiness Dean brought around. I wanted to be the man in the photo with him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's point of view the morning he decides to show Castiel the town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do have a friend who is 80% deaf and he does not wear a hearing aid. You can tell he didn’t hear you when he nods and laughs awkwardly.

Dean's P.O.V

I didn't self-harm for the normal, conventional reasons. I didn't do it to free my demons, to calm the never ending storm of emotions. I didn't do it because my smile wasn't bright enough. No, I did it because I felt nothing. I was always lost, always bored. When you struggled to hear the world, you tend to lose yourself to the ringing. The painful silence. Lining my skin gave me something, let me control some portion of my life. I wasn't upset, I wasn't depressed, just bored. Bored with no purpose. So I hurt myself. But I knew I needed to stop. It was just hard to quit such an addictive stimulant.

 

Nights always wore on longer than they should, but it was the only time I could think. The only time my caged thoughts could be set free. How could I possibly sleep? When morning comes, I catch each butterfly of a thought and chain them away. That was when I had to go back to being normal. I had to smile bright, had to set alight the flame in my eyes when I was just bored. Bored of everything. Bored of my own charade.

 

No one understood.

 

There was nothing to fight, so how could I win? No challenge so how could I overcome? Pain has become pleasure and I am not strong enough to change this. 

 

As the moon tainted the sky, I gripped my shirt tightly. I was bored, oh so bored. Nothing gave me joy anymore, nothing made my heart race. There was nothing I could do. I craved for stimulation, but nothing ever worked. Nothing. So I sat and lined my skin.

 

I was not depressed. I was not struggling in a mental battle. I was just bored. Bored as I watched the moon hang precariously in the sky. I could always ponder as to why I became this way, unfeeling, unchanging, but I dare not bother. I already knew why. It was a common case of Family rejection and the lose of sonething precious, nothing worth thinking about, so I don't. Instead I stare into the night sky doing nothing, feeling nothing but a nagging sensation of boredom. The sun should be rising soon, so I should attempt to fall into a dreamless slumber.

 

Isn't that amusing? I fall as the sun rises, how ironic. How...redundant. I no longer tear apart my own flesh seeking a thrill I never find, yet I still crave to do so. I long for the sharp pain, the guilt that follows shortly. It didn't help me live, but it reminded me I wasn't dead. But this escape had to stop. People would notice, people would fret. People would blame themselves. So instead I woukd seek the thrill, the adrenaline. I would seek the accident that would lead to my demise.

 

Why would I do that? Simple. I'm bored. Bored and almost deaf.

 

Meeting Castiel was nice, a distraction and an effort. There were words I couldn't hear, things I missed, so I had just nodded. Nodded and hoped for the best. Back in my own apartment I felt lost to the silence. With no background noise, I was left with my thoughts no matter how nasty they grew. 

 

By now the sun had risen, gracing my living space with its light. When I grew dark, I remembered the sun. How it illuminated everything it touched, brought a smile to those plagued by storms. The sun was everything. Thinking back to Castiel, I want to talk to him more, but I dare not bother him. He was a mess tangled in his own confidence. He seemed like his ex had done him wrong, but he cannot tell me he hasn't sinned. If that is the truth, my damned soul will corrupt him with exposure. 

 

Stripping down, I walked to the shower. My skin was lined with scars, painting a portrait of pain. Trailing my finger lightly along the tale, I smiled mirthlessly. Life has been trying me. Stepping under the shower head, I turned on the heat. Feeling the water scald my skin instantly, I breathed out a sigh. 

 

Today I will show Castiel the town, tomorrow he will meet my friends. That is my plan. Hearing faint and occasional water drops was torture. If I could chose, I would rather be fully deaf than live with this torment.

 

The doctor determined I had lost 80% of my hearing, leaving me in this state. Not quite needing a hearing aid, but still would be best if I used one. My senses were failing me. Scrubbing down my skin, I let the water soak in before turning off the shower. Once out, I dried down my body before walking to my room, towel wrapped around my waist. Picking out a plain white long sleeved shirt and brown long pants, I quickly changed. 

 

I used to hate leaving this small apartment, scared of the world. Scared of how they saw me. I used to bleed just to prove I was alive. But times have changed. I stopped trying to fight the tears that never came and decided to watch the world burn instead. I would watch the world that hurt me crumble. Twisted metal carved my twisted mind. 

 

Stuck inside a car for hours with the corpse of the man who enjoyed beating me senseless changes a child. Makes the child feel powerful until they realise he took one last hit. Until I realised that even though he was gone, he would always be stealing from me. My hearing. Somedays I wished I had died in that wreck, others I did not. Afterall, there were other exciting ways to die.

 

Hanging my head in embarrassment about how I acted in front of Castiel, I knew it was the pain killers. The abundance of medication the doctors constantly prescribed me. People only like me when I am on my meds. Everyone except for my brother and three close friends. The high had worn off, but there was still light. 

 

Walking back to Castiels door, I felt a smirk grace my face once again. Cas seemed so...lost. Out of place even. Does he know his mind his dark? Knocking slowly, he opened the door, fixing his cream trench coat. Clear blue eyes stared at me, unraveling my confidenxe as each second ticked by.

 

"First of all, you have to see the Roadhouse. Best place in town." I told him, not wanting to touch him for fear of rejection.

 

Did he find a reason to hate me over night? Castiel still did not smile, but he did join me. 

 

"The Roadhouse?" He asked curiously, his voice low but his lips kept moving. Shit, I missed a lot.

 

"Of course. Best burgers ever." I grinned, striding ahead of him, hoping my response would satisfy him.

 

He made no move to answer, which indicated that I messed up. Instead of trying to worm my way out, I just walked faster. Castiel kept up with my impatient pace, but he still did not engage in small talk. What did that ex do to him? 

 

"You so long this morning?" He asked, and it took all I could to not splutter. Interpertating his words as a question to my late arrival, I thought through a response.

 

'I had to pick my self-esteem off the fucking floor because I ran out of medication yesterday', was what I wanted to say. Instead I opted for the lame, age old excuse.

 

"I slept in." I shrugged, hitting the elevator button. 

 

Castiel stood completely still as we waited. His eyes were fixed on my, and I smiled uneasily. The doors suddenly opened, scaring me. I missed the chime. Crap. I couldn’t even hear my low awkward laughter I could feel in my chest. 

 

Today is not going to be easy.


End file.
